I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
