The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
