Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
