Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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