M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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