look no pants
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
P.S. I can't hear my feet
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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