Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
