he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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