Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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