she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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