I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
