so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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