y did u give ur computer a hand job?
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
