today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
