So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
