Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
True strength comes from lack of pants
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
