went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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