i think my mom watched the whole time
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
