When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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