What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
