My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize