At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
