Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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