She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
