I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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