Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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