i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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