Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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