Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize