My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
