she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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