That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
