I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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