I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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