You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
