Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
