Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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