He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
