I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
