my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize