had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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