I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Randomize
