...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
