I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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