Dude my mom stole all your condoms
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
