She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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