i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
