the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
