she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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