when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I think I sprained my soul last night
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize