I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
