I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
