And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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