the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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