Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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