just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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