Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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