Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
