I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
