Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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