I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
