Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
