a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
