Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
