Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
