I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
