false alarm. still invincible.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
