I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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