I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
