I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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