peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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