i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize