Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
