i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
