Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
